James Loy 

The views and opinions expressed in this podcast by the hosts and guests may or may not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Miami University.

Student 

I'm a senior. I'm about to graduate, and I've done a lot of cool things in college.

Student 

I never thought that I was going to be an intramural curler. I never thought that I was going to be the student body president.

Student 

These four years have been the biggest amount of growth I've seen in my entire life.

Student 

It's not just about the academics, but like, what kind of person you turn into, which is super cool.

Maggie 

Hey, not gonna lie, if I start crying, just don't say anything about it.

Lauren Kelley 

We're not gonna acknowledge it?!

Maggie 

Let's just jump right into it. We're back on major insight today with a very special, kind of unique episode. We're back with Lauren Kelley. Lauren, Hi.

Maggie 

Hi, Maggie.

Maggie 

And this episode is gonna be all about the last four, in my case, three years of college, how we've changed, what's happened and what we hope to do in the future, but I guess we can start with coming in, starting what freshman year us, what we were, like?

Lauren Kelley 

Nervous, honestly, overwhelmed, really, a lot of expectations I was putting on myself to do really good. I did not realize as a freshman just how many of my challenges were going to be personal rather than academic. Because the roller coaster that you have throughout the four years, for me at least, was more like what was happening outside of classes. And that's where I think I grew the most was through not the coursework.

Maggie 

I agree.

Lauren Kelley 

But through a study abroad or through an Inside Washington Program. You know, these hands on experiences allowed me to shape who I want to be and kind of, like, how I react in those kinds of, like, different environments.

Maggie 

Yeah, no, I agree 100% I ... actually before this, when I was walking to the studio, I listened to the episode that Meredith and I recorded when we were introing me as the new host, which is now like nearly a year old. I listened to it, and even in just a year, the amount that my plans post-grad has changed so much. And I think I came into college with like, a plan. I came in being like, I know what I want to do, and these are my majors, and I'm going to keep them, and they're never going to change. And like, this is the job I want, and this is how I'm going to get it, and all this stuff. And now I'm like, well, spoiler alert, you change that entire plan a semester in, and then you change it again. It is so crazy. Looking back on what I thought college was gonna look like versus what it actually turned out to be. Did you have, like, your plan coming in?

Lauren Kelley 

I definitely thought that if I set my dominoes just right this last year, everything would fall into place. I was very much like, I need hands on experience, and I'm gonna set that as my priority, and when having that priority, I've had to make a lot of sacrifices along the way, especially in terms of finding friends or, like, building a community on campus. Like being a commuter, you have to navigate these challenges differently than a standard college student, and that perspective has just given me, like, a whole new identity of what I value when moving forward? Because I just didn't predict, like, all the lessons that I'd be taught through working 30 hours a week while doing academics, like, not just time management, but like, what do I want to do in the future that maybe has more of a work-life balance to it and a structured lifestyle. Because I feel like, especially in this last semester, my life has been, oh my gosh, the insomnia... I did not get any sleep last night. I've been having really just a lot of restless nights, tossing and turning, not just because of the lead up into graduation, but like, what's gonna come next? Am I gonna be okay?

Maggie 

Yeah, no, it's it's a trip, honestly, because I think there is this resounding generalization made about at the end of college, when you graduate, that once you have a job or an internship lined up, post grad, that, like, everything's fine, you don't have to worry. You have a job lined up.

Lauren Kelley 

You don't need that pressure in the first place. So sometimes people, I think for me, I've had this desperate mindset entering my senior year, of like, I am desperate for a job or an internship, when in actuality, like I'm not gonna be homeless. Desperation is out of need, not out of want. And so reassessing, like, okay, take a breath. It's happening. But if you take a moment and reassess where you're at, you can make a better decision moving forward, because I do feel like I was recently trying to fast forward everything, when, in actuality, I just needed to take a moment.

Maggie 

I very much was the same way at the beginning of this year, and especially the beginning of this semester, where I was in a very like move, move, move, go. Go, go, figure out the next step. Complete it, move on, and now all I want is for everything to just take a breather and slow down and not change at all. It makes everything feel so real, like at the beginning of the semester, when I was starting the process of looking at applications and, you know, fine tuning my resume and writing cover letters and looking at making a CV, and at the same time dealing with school and work and extracurricular commitments, I was so focused on that mindset of figuring out what was next that then once I got it, because, spoiler alert, I got the internship I wanted, and I have that now, after I had that I was kind of in this ... and I still am, to a certain extent, in this, like liminal space where I almost feel like I'm a passive participant in my own life right now. If that makes sense?

Lauren Kelley 

It does make sense, though. What did it feel like when you heard that you received this amazing opportunity to be an intern at the zoo?

Maggie 

Oh, I sobbed. I was on the phone with my sister, sobbing my eyes out.

Lauren Kelley 

Did you immediately feel like the relief

Maggie 

I did. It was the animal behavior research internship at the Cincinnati Zoo that is where I will be post grad this summer. And then I was in my room, and I was on my phone, of course, scrolling Instagram reels, of course. And I see the little notification popped down, and I see the subject line, and I see who it's from, and I immediately, like, swiped it away and threw my phone on the other side of my bed. And immediately I'm like, like, freaking out because I was like, I want this internship probably more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, because when I got introduced to animal behavior, I realized it was another kind of like, click moment. I realized I was like, Oh my gosh. Like, I want to do that. Like, that's what I want to do as a job. And I got this email, and thank goodness I got it at like, 1pm which I knew in my head. I was like, my sister's on her lunch break from work right now. So I called my sister, and I said, I just got this email, and I don't want to open it. I'm alone in my room, like, I don't want to open it by myself in case I don't get it. And so we had like, a five minute lead up conversation to me opening the email, of me being like "and you know what, if I don't get it, I have prepared myself for the possibility of not getting it, because I know how competitive it is, and if I don't, it's fine. It doesn't reflect on my intellect, my intelligence, my capabilities, I will be okay." She was like, "Yeah, open the email, though." And I was like, okay, yeah, right, sure. And I opened it, and I, like, screamed, "I got it," on the phone, and then I started crying my eyes out.

Lauren Kelley 

That's a dream job. It seriously is so competitive. And I love hearing that you got it, because those success stories give hope to other people who feel down in the gutter like nothing's gonna happen. Because that's where I was two weeks ago, like I was like, the system is broken. Nothing is okay. I worked four years really hard, did all this work, and it's never gonna... nothing's gonna happen.

Lauren Kelley 

That changed this week, which I'm really happy about. And the amount of relief off my shoulders, it's huge. It's crazy. And then I'm like, Well, that was stupid. Why was I ...?

Maggie 

You look back on it and you're like, so it actually wasn't that big of a deal, not just because you then found out you got the job, but because you realized it was going to be okay regardless.

Maggie 

Do you want to talk about imposter syndrome?

Lauren Kelley 

Oh, gosh, I think because of how I entered, like, my identity in high school completely shifted, yeah, in college, and because I was accepted on, like this very fortunate full tuition scholarship, I just immediately thought, "well, I don't deserve this. I don't know what you saw on me, but Okay, moving on." Like, this is gonna be taken away from me the moment they see me on campus. And I think that also just amounted to me, like, trying to make the most of every moment because of the perspective of, like, thinking of the third person, like, who didn't receive it, looking at me like, "Oh, if I had that, I would have done this, this and this," it's just like, that's the mentality I maintained, which might have not been the healthiest, but ultimately it did lead to a lot of amazing opportunities, and I do feel confident in saying that I did make the most of my time here. And I learned a lot. Also how to move forward.

Maggie 

No, of course, I agree that the high school mindset really affects how you first function when you get to college. Like and I talked about this in my my first episode with Meredith. I talked about comparing yourself to the person sitting next to you, because you have to work a little bit harder than they do, or you don't understand something as quickly as they do, or you don't want the same things that they do, but you feel like you should. I came into college thinking I wanted to be a vet. I don't want to be a vet anymore. That goal ended before my first semester was even over, but like, there's so much pressure placed on you to succeed and do important things and get awards, and, you know, receive praise and, like, make your mark. But I'm like, I don't have to do those big things to leave a mark. Because I think one thing that I have realized since coming to college, which is very different from how I went about my time in high school, is prioritizing my happiness over anybody else's.

Lauren Kelley 

So hard to do and your happiness, like, that's the impact, because when you're happy, you're making a more positive environment for everyone around you. And that's the thing that people are going to remember when they walk away from you.

Maggie 

Yeah. Actually, in prep for this episode, we got like, some talking points from our lovely producer James, and he wrote in it that when we first met me and James, when I was interested in getting involved in the podcast, I had recently really started getting more involved on campus and doing more things. And I told him that I said, "I'm much happier now." And when he sent that in the talking points like, it really made me think. I was like, wow, I really was a lot happier once I got more involved. And when I think back on it, I think what I was looking for was I wanted more genuine connection with people on campus, and I first tried to do that by becoming a tour guide. I applied because I thought... I was like, well, that's perfect, because I love it here, I might as well get paid to talk to people about why I love it here, and why they should come to school here, and also fall in love with this place. And I didn't get that job, and I was devastated about it, because I was like, "Well, I guess I'm never gonna have connection with anybody now, and I'm also never gonna get a job ever again, because I didn't get this one job that I applied for."

Lauren Kelley 

Also, genuine connection as a tour guide is an interesting take. Like, families are there for a moment, and then they're gone.

Maggie 

Yeah. And, no, and, like, looking back on it, I'm like, yeah, no, that's not what you wanted. Actually, you wanted more friends. And getting rejected from that job, I was like, Okay, well, if I can't get this job, I'm gonna apply to Miami Activities and Programming, and I'm gonna get ledtinto that org, and I'm gonna apply to be a resident assistant, and I'm gonna get that job too.

Lauren Kelley 

Yep! Done that before as well. It's kind of what I've maintained throughout the four years, is like, Oh well, despite everybody else who doesn't believe in me, I am going to get three jobs, and then I'm gonna mentally break down, but then pretend it's fine, and then continue forward.

Maggie 

And here's the thing I did get both of those. I am, in fact, a member of Miami activities and programming, and I am, in fact, an RA. So I did succeed at those.

Lauren Kelley 

Do you regret it?

Maggie 

No, because, like that gave me what I wanted, like some of my closest friends on campus now, are people that I met because of map, and that I, you know, connected with because of map. I got to help out freshmen in my first building as an RA who were in the exact same position I was as a freshman. Of, like, okay, like, what do I do? I have no idea what I'm doing. I need help. And I got to be that person who helps them. And I grew close to other people on my staff and my supervisors. Like, I truly do believe that. That, you know, whatever it is out there, there is some greater plan where everything has worked out, and I'm at a point in life where I feel very happy with where I'm going, and I'm excited about where I'm going, and I would not go back and potentially mess that up. Like I wouldn't go back and change anything. I'd love to experience it again. I would love to experience college all over again. I really would. Lauren is looking at me like I'm crazy.

Lauren Kelley 

I know. I'm kind of, like, almost done with the marathon. You know, if I want to rerun ... like it's been a one heck of a roller coaster ride, and I don't know if I would want to relive the lows. But you're right, like, it does ... all those things that happen ultimately lead to where you are right now. And I am very thankful for where I am right now. It's hard to believe where I was in the past.

Maggie 

Even just looking at myself from a year ago, I'm like, wow. Like, how much has changed, and how much I've grown. And like, it's just insane to think about, because the last three years feel like 50. Like, I feel like I was a toddler when I started, not an 18 year old adult, and now I'm 20, about to be 21 and about to start real adult life. If I had to experience college all over again, I would ... I almost wish that me right now, knowing what I know and about to do what I'm about to do, like, I'd love to go back and kind of just be like a helping hand to little tiny Maggie, all scared in her freshman year dorm room trying to figure out what the heck she's doing. I wouldn't try to change anything that happened. But I wish I had had a voice telling me, like, you will be okay.

Lauren Kelley 

A soothing voice, yeah. I think sometimes if I would have had that, though I might have been less... I would be like, "Oh well, everything's fine. Then I don't need to work." Like, sometimes I do flip the switch on and off, like, "oh well, everything's fine. So I'm good." Almost just too unstressed about things. I think after four years, it's just bizarre looking back on all of it. And knowing ... like, also navigating relationships.

Maggie 

Yeah, as important as college is for the fact that you're getting a degree that will assist you in whatever job you come to possess after graduation. At any point, after graduation, your friendships and your relationships that you make here are really what's going to carry you throughout your life. At the end of the day, a degree is a piece of paper. Your GPA is just a number, but like, truly, I can't imagine college without my friends, without my parents, without my sisters, without my partner, like and if we want to get scientific about things for a second, my senior capstone class is about the evolution of human behavior, and I had to present on friendship and the concept of friendship in terms of human evolution and human fitness, and how it has affected how humans have evolved as a species. I mean, hey, guess what? I was probably on the verge of crying during leading that discussion, like, standing up at the board, like, "So guys, friendship!"

Lauren Kelley 

Everybody's here, like, why ... is she okay?

Maggie 

They are all like, "is she all right?" Like, it really, well and truly... and it's not just friends, in the sense of people you are not related to. It is making the active choice and deciding to invest part of your energy and your time and your resources into the people that you care about, and have told me ... I'm going to start crying ... And who have told me that all the things I want to do are valid and that they will support me and that they believe in my abilities. Like, making the choice every day to invest time in the people who care about me. I truly ...in doing all that research for this presentation, I was like, "wow, friendship really is magic." Not to, like, fall back into the My Little Pony years when I was, like, eight years old, I was like, "dang, they were spitting. Friendship is Magic. That's crazy." So I can't imagine college without my friends. They're so important. I love my friends. Anyways. So ...

Maggie 

As much as I love college and I love the life that I've created for myself here and the person that I am here, I also know that, like, I'm so excited to find out who I become after this. You know, that doesn't eclipse the sadness that comes with with change and leaving this part of your life behind, but it makes it easier to endure. Do you have any advice for your future self? Anything like you want 30 year old you to know?

Lauren Kelley 

Take moments to reassess, because I did not do that these past four years, because of that mentality of just go, go, go, which, again, I do not regret, but "you're good right now. You worked really hard." And I think like giving myself the self love and appreciation for how hard I did work these four years. "You did good. Take a moment, make sure you're on the right path and then keep going."

Maggie 

Yeah, I just hope that wherever I end up in the future, and I feel like I have gotten better at this since I started college, I want to make sure that anything I ever decide to do in my life is something that I'm doing because I want to do it. Every once in a while, yes, like, you go along with things because you can tell it's gonna make someone close to you happy. It's not wrong to act in service of the happiness of other people, but that's not what you should spend your life doing. You have to act in a way that makes you happy and that brings you joy, you know? Like, I think about... I had talked to someone my freshman year, who... we were talking about as freshmen do, like, what's your major? And like, oh, what got you interested in that? And someone told me that they were in their major because they knew it would lead to a job that would make them the most money.

Lauren Kelley 

Sometimes I get that mindset, though, like, if you come from nothing and you are like, Okay, I'm here, and I'm struggling to afford this. I don't even know, like, if I can do a dream job because of the financial burden of even doing this four years of higher education, like... I... but it leads to issues. Because then you're not, like, gonna be happy at the end of it, and that's what matters.

Maggie 

I truly, at the end of the day, I'm like, I don't think that any amount of money could make me happy in a job that I hate.

Lauren Kelley 

Yep.

Maggie 

Or that I'm not passionate about. If I'm doing something that I'm happy with and that I feel is making a difference and creating good change, then I think I will be perfectly satisfied when I am 30, 40, 50, 60. Money comes and goes. Time only goes: on and on and on and on and on. But I do not want to spend the rest of my life stressing about things that affect us all, you know, in similar ways. And I just want to, you know, move on from this chapter of my life and continue to do things that fill me with joy, because that's what I've tried to spend college doing: is doing things that make me happy.

Maggie 

Oh, gosh, we can close out with this. What will we miss most about college?

Lauren Kelley 

I was recently walking in the hallway, going to ballet, and my ballet teacher, she came out and she saw me, because I have, like, this just straight face, like, Okay, this is my life. I'm living. And then my ballet teacher, she just stops me. She's like, "Hi!" And she has the best enthusiasm. She's like my grandma, and I just want to hug her every time I see her. And she's just like, immediately, that enthusiasm and like someone just willing to spark up conversation. Like, those are the moments I'm going to miss, when people stop you, like, "Hey, how's your day going?" and it kind of snaps you out of it. And I'm not saying that's not going to happen beyond college, but on a campus, that's when those moments happen the most. And like, finding different corners, like, I can't think of a place where I haven't found support on this campus, and someone saying, "I believe in you" when I didn't even believe in myself, like, I did not believe in myself to study abroad. I had advisors saying, "No, you can do that." Like, if you put your mind to it, then you're gonna figure a way out to do it. And so I think, like, that's what higher education has provided me overall, and that's what I'm gonna miss, is like the constant support. And I'll still have that in a way, for my family, but campus just has a different feel to it.

Maggie 

Yeah, I definitely agree. Like, I will miss the feeling of just being fully immersed, you know, in college, but also, like in my life here, and I think, like to be existential for a second: I'll miss who I am when I'm here.  And that's not to say that, like I'm putting on, like a facade of like... or a different character when I'm here versus when I'm at home. But there is something to be said for the independence that you get at college. It kind of changes how you behave when you're here. I will miss being able to text my friends at 9pm and ask them to go get Sonic with me. I will miss being able to get lunch at ciao bella every Tuesday with my friend Hope. I will miss going to the Withrow Starbucks in the morning to do work. I'll miss doing this. I will miss doing shows, because I finally got to do a show this semester, like I will miss college Maggie, because, like, I can recognize that there will be a time in the future where I'll be 25 or 28 or 37 or whatever, and maybe I don't go out on the weekends anymore, and I'm done with school, and maybe my relationship with some of my friends here looks different in the future. And I think there will come a time where I just kind of have to be like, "that's okay," because hopefully, I hope, I will like future Maggie, and I will love the life that I have as future Maggie, you know, I hope that I learned to seek and lean on community after college, because community is huge here, and they are ready to welcome you, you know.

Lauren Kelley 

And it's so accessible.

Maggie 

Yeah, seriously, like college tries to make it as accessible for you to make friends as best as they possibly can. And so, I hope that after this, I want to lean on community, and I want to find and build community wherever I end up in the future. I want close relationships and I want friendships. Thinking about it all. I'm like, Oh God...

Lauren Kelley 

Getting overwhelmed already thinking about ... that's all right. We'll figure it out.

Maggie 

That's how I've been feeling. One of our ... we have little talking points, and one of them is, "what are you most proud of during your time here?" And without hesitation when I read that, I was like "me, I'm proud of myself." And again, I really don't think that's selfish or egotistical, because, hey, I'm the one who did the work. I'm the one who got the degree. I'm the one who came here, went here, went to school here, lived here, worked here, performs here, helps here, like it's me. I'm the one doing the thing, so I'm most proud of me.

Lauren Kelley 

Great answer.

Maggie 

We're both proud of ourselves. I'm proud of you.

Lauren Kelley 

I'm proud of you, Maggie.

Maggie 

I'm proud of you. Lauren

Lauren Kelley 

It ends on that note.

Maggie 

Okay, we're done, and I only cried once.

Maggie 

Well, like all good things, even our college adventures must soon come to a close. But while we're excited for everything the future will hold for us both after graduation, we're not ready to say goodbye just yet. More special episodes of major insight, along with even more episodes of the sounds of college life with Lauren Kelly, will return this summer.